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Its been a long time that I wasn’t able to write on my friggin blogspot.. im hurtin yesterday… I guess this is what you will feel wen someone special for you has the other someone… im not suppose to feel this way and I don’t have the right to feel this..Brendan’s not my bf..im not his gurl though he used to call me “my gurl” bullshit. I guess its just an endearment or he really mean it..he claimed me as one of his gf..oh fuck!!whatever it is, I really don’t give a piece of shit!!! Well I guess this is the time wen I really just want to keep him as a frend or totally get him out of my friggin system..But I have to admit that in a short span of time he really change my world.. I sumhow owe it to him.. But I don’t want to expect or else il be damned frustrating myself..

I know that im jealous knowing that he has so many gfs, bimbos..oh whatever!!! I think im one of those.. but right now I really don’t give a fucking damn… I don’t have the right to feel this but this is how I feel.. that means that I really fell in love with him.. and its damn hurting.. but at least I was wide awake that he can never be mine not even in a million years.. someone’s better deserves my love more than him… how can I be so daydreamer..no its more than that!! What’s the English term of “ilusyunada”? yeah I felt sumhow like that and I really felt so ashamed… huwaaaaaa….. I don’t know if its my dignity as a woman that stands out that time or pride or my will to really get over with him… he has other priority..its the other gurl that he chats and he replies w me late? Now how about that?

Its indirectly saying that im just one of those that belongs to his least priority.. maybe not like that.. its just that there is some other woman in his life.. im happy for them that they get along very well but im hurting for myself..oh my!! Im soooo hurting..its painful.. he tells me that he is busy..yeah its true..busy chatting with other woman.. I don’t have the right to question him so I just say goodbye to him and haul my ass on work… well at least I have the last ditch of effort to keep my self-preservation..

I think that’s one way of letting go of him… so I give way not to disturb them..i don’t wanna be an intruder.. besides, I deserve a man better than him.. and I think though it hurts a lot, Brendan and that gurl really looks perfect for each other in every way.. the gurl belongs to his own race, with a blood of a countess or a princess, and belongs to the higher society ranks.. more than this, I think she is a model, a cover gurl to be exact..

Well, Im still thankful to get this courage to leave him earlier and focus on my work.. its soooo unfair waiting for him damn message to come wen I know he is just busy chatting with other gurls.. im just the last priority..well I will never allow that..besides he is just my online frend.. well I guess im not really that broken.. at least he is not totally out of reach.. I was just thankful because somehow I was gaining back my concentration at work.. I really need to do this..i love my work so much and I wasn’t about to neglect this because of him…but I really have to deal with this pain..im still hurting..i can’t help but cry.. oh God! I wanna cry.. You know every well that I was toooo hurting… it’s still painful… I just want this over and done… just give me the courage to stand up and moved on..

Well at least..im starting to move on though im still hurt.. now that I’ve admitted that I really unexpectedly fall in live with him.. it needs to be NOW!!!! So I need now to go back to work…