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I don’t know what to say.. I know its so unfair w my honey to ask for a space… they say that wen u ask for it, its as always as good as goodbye… well for me, how can u really say goodbye to someone whom you truly love wen d main reason why you want to space is to recover from the past hurt imposed by your relationships?.. im not blaming anyone… I guess I just need to confront this situation... the more it gets worse the more I tried to evade it and divert my attention…

I have to admit that my feelings are growing with this stranger named Brendan… I don’t know if im in love… I don’t know if im scared shitless to admit myself after realizing that I was in love with this stranger…. I don’t know if I was just madly infatuated because he is so darn hot, gorgeous, and he’s really someone.. not just a simple PRETTY HANDSOME AWKWARD that the only things he know was to flaunt his male beauty on tv screens.. the problem is, he’s not only that.. it’s a major turn off for me to know a gud-looking guys hu r darn nothing but just a piece of display like figurines… dis is d major trouble I have.. he’s got good looks and oh! What a brain too!! A highly accomplished electrical engineer in Dubai at d age of 20… his latest accomplished proj, if im not mistaken was 10 buildings and 120 villas.. he’s not even graduate.. how much more if he was able to finish his degree?

Because of this stranger im not myself lately.. how uncool!!!

I really don’t know what to do.. one day im fine and one day I felt so damn frustrated waiting for his msg.. well, he’s d one hu used to grit me everyday.. just a simple msg fr him is enuf to paint a smile on my face and kips my day like a piece of cake.. wen he rarely does it, how uncool to miss his msg.. im not like this on him before… I wasn’t able to anticipate this feeling.. how can he possibly manage to let me feel this way when he is soooo far away…??? Well I guess this feeling starts to grow day by day… he always grit me.. we always chat, exchanging ideas.. simply like that.. but how? I don’t know.. it just happen I wasn’t able to anticipate.. I don’t know what to do..i don’t know how to react to it.. the feeling-thinking intuition has different ways.. but I guess.. I just nid to work out this destruction… yeah I can even call this destruction..i dono wt happened.. I just decided to just rily kip in touch with Brendan as an overseas frend.. well, this is the rpob of my brain combination..

Tickle tests says my brain combination is very rare.. ouch!!! now im in chaos.. and in confusion…

But I was just amazed on how I was trying myself to let go of all the hurt because I wanted to start all over again with my bf.. behind this scars that he left was this undying love that transcends on the deepest recesses of my soul…

Oh how I fight so hard not to hurt him in a deepest way.. but I know I did.. but I did that because I want to confront myself.. of this old hurts, my façade, my hatred towards his family most specially on her mother, my self-destructing ways of reducing myself into nothingness.. im trying so hard to move on, forgive them, release all the burdens inside of mhe.. but why I just can’t do it??

Oh God.. this pain is too much for me too bear.. its too unbearable.. the pain is killing.. much more I know how deep in hurt my beloved… please help me.. I know you can hear me.. its killing me inside Lord God.. I’d rather bear all the pain than caused him pain oh God… Oh God please.. I know you understand me more than I could ever imagine..

Please, kip Him company.. I know you always will but I still pray for it.. help me Lord God.. I just realize the different kind or level of love after this.. Does both pain and love exist simultaneously? Or pain is just a portion of love? I don’t know.. I guess I still love him.. I was just blinded by this infatuated feeling… its really really a destruction on my part.. Lord God please help me get through with this…

There’s nothing I can do to ease the pain I’ve caused him. But right now, I wanna be worth that damn pain.. I have risons for doing so but its validity on my part cannot equate to the hurt he is feeling right now..

I wanna resolve this conflict within me.. it’s a battle between mhe and mhe.. the battles of my will, mind, and heart.. and it all begins now…